Our last first laugh...

Lilah laughed for the first time on Sunday night...

If one feels the need of something grand, something infinite, something that makes one feel aware of God, one need not go far to find it. I think that I see something deeper, more infinite, more eternal than the ocean in the expression of the eyes of a little baby when it wakes in the morning and coos or laughs because it sees the sun shining on its cradle.

-- Vincent van Gogh

Blast from the past...

This is me on Christmas Day 2004, with a 3 month old Miss Faith Louise.

(the day before I met my wonderful husband, Troy Daniel)

Lilah was born 1 day after Faith's 4th birthday. Lilah has this very same dress. I think we'll be taking a photo like this on Christmas day :)

Twilight

Saw it.

LOVED it.

Reading it again.

Practice run...

I made this cake today as a practice for Christmas. Okay, I didn't really need to practice, I just couldn't wait that long to eat it!! :) I don't like 100's and 1000's so I used Dollars and Cents instead.

Xander-ism

Yesterday Xander was sitting on the kitchen bench and started sneezing - I counted 5! Then he pauses, looks at me and says "Bless you me, Mummy!"

Excuses excuses...

So, this is the reason for my lack of blogging...

I've been reading the Twilight series. I'm reading the 3rd book at the moment and seeing the movie Twilight tonight with my sister in-law Gillian. We have been counting down the days, we're sooo excited! So, that's my excuse. If you've read the books, you'll understand ;)

Welcome home!

Our awesome brother Charles has made it safely home from his mission in South Korea. Love you Charles!

My first tag!

Not entirely sure how this works but here goes...

I was tagged by Holly yesterday. I guess the idea is to find your 4th picture in your 4th folder, but I have so many gazillions of photos that it's not really working (I've got my photos organised in years, months and days). The first one I found turned out to actually be a picture of an old boyfriend...so I won't be posting that...lol. I'll just use 2008 and pick the 4th month and 4th day.

BaaHahahaha!!

I tag Catherine & Viv! :)

These are a few of my favourite things...

My new bedspread...

The necklace Troy bought me for my birthday...

Lilah's new baby rolls...

My dreams have come true - cos I got to have them!!

Last night Lilah slept for 10 hours STRAIGHT. She's my hero :)

My donation to charity...

I buy these TimTams regularly!

Oh how I wish they were here all year long....

Achievements of the day...

Two alive children (proof below)....

Banana cake with cream cheese frosting (we had a few bananas that were very ripe)...

A Naming and a Blessing

And when he had said these words, he wept and the multitude bore record of it, and he took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them.

- 3 Nephi 17:21

Blessing of Lilah Macy Raine Hawthorne

Health and strength

Be a help to her family

Be a good example to her brother

Bring happiness to all she meets

Be obedient to all the commandments

Grow and serve in the church faithfully

Strive to return to live with her Heavenly Father

Be happy and do things that make her happy.

The Big Meeting...

So I had the meeting at the hospital today. Troy, Mum and Dad came. Overall it went pretty well. I got to ask all my questions and they were answered reasonably well. It was helpful to have Mum and Dad there because they asked questions that I forgot or was too scared to ask. I am so blessed with the greatest support system around me, which is why I think I’ve been able to deal with this so well.

From what we discussed today and the things that I’ve researched, I’m starting to believe that the hospital wasn’t at fault. They were extremely apologetic and sincerely sorry for the way things turned out. I do believe that they did everything correctly, I just happened to be one of those lucky 6 out of 100 000 women that this happens to.

We are pretty sure that it was the drug syntocinon that caused the uterine rupture, however the chances of it happening are so unlikely that the hospital doesn’t have a protocol for informing the patient about the side effects unless the patient has previously had a caesarean. They told me that they haven’t seen a case like mine in 20 years.

They have offered ongoing treatment for myself and Lilah, which I’m going to accept. They said it’s very unlikely that Lilah will have problems in the future, but I want to have her monitored, if only for my sanity!

I’m happy with the way that the doctors, nurses and midwives handled everything. Lilah and I could have been in a much worse condition if it weren’t for the help of everyone involved. I believe that they did everything they could for us and now I’m starting to let it all go. I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to blame anyone. I just want to accept what has happened and move on with life. I’ve started making a list of the positives that have come from our situation…

We have two healthy children
We have a boy and a girl so we won’t miss out on anything.
No more periods!
Don’t have to stress about being able to afford a large family
No need to feel guilty about not having more children
Don’t have to buy a new car – no mini vans for us!
Can afford to do more fun things as a smaller family
I can go back to work sooner
We will be a 2 income household and maybe even afford to buy a house!
I don’t ever have to go through morning sickness and labour ever again
I can get fit and not have to worry about gaining more baby weight later on.
I don’t have to hold on to all my old baby clothes and things
I can be the best auntie in the world cause I’ll have time and energy to be a good Auntie.
I only have to go through the hassle of toilet training twice
Not as much washing and dishes to clean
Save on birthdays, Christmas, Easter, holidays, clothing, education, dental and medical
Always one free space in the car
No 'middle child' syndrome

That’s all for now – I might add more later on if I think of some. Feel free to offer suggestions!

That's my boy!

The other day after church Xander was supposed to be having a nap. Instead he came downstairs wearing this...

I'm a lucky lucky girl!

When Xander was born Troy bought me a diamond eternity ring. It was the wedding band that I originally chose but we were too poor to buy it at the time. Ever since then I've joked with him that I would get a new diamond for every baby, and Troy would just tell me I'm dreaming. After I came out of surgery the first thing Troy said to me was "Well you've definitely earnt that diamond!".

Our blessing is being blessed!

Birth story - reader beware!

So this is Lilah's birth story. It's not very personal because I've written it to take to a big meeting that I'm having with the head doctors of the hospital in a few weeks time. It's mostly just the facts about what happened. Read it if you want, don't if you don't :)....



At 8:20pm on the 3rd of September 2008 my waters broke. I rang the hospital and was told to head to the hospital. After waiting around for Troy we arrived at the hospital at around 11pm.

We were asked to sit in the waiting area and were there for a few hours before I was examined by a doctor. She said that I was barely dilated – maybe 1cm. I was taken to my room in the ward at around 4:30am. Troy went home to sleep. I was having very irregular contractions, maybe one every 20 to 30 minutes and they weren’t very strong. I was offered a sleeping pill but I didn’t want the contractions to stop. I ended up falling asleep and the contractions slowed down. These contractions lasted for two days. The midwives took my obs every 4 hours and they used the fetal monitor but I don’t remember how often. I was told that I was booked in to be induced on Friday morning but the birthing suite was too busy and I was pushed forward to the afternoon. The day was getting later and I was told that I might have to wait until Saturday morning, but we were called down at 6:30pm on Friday night.

At 9pm they started the syntocinon drip. I was not spoken to about the drug at all. I was unaware of the side effects and was not given any other option. The contractions became stronger and more regular. The midwife was using the fetal monitor and was continually having trouble with the machine. I was having contractions and the machine wasn’t reading them. She even went to another room and got a different machine but continued to have trouble keeping track of my contractions. I remember all of the midwives complaining about how the machines never work and that they need to invent a new way of monitoring contractions. A few times the midwives sat beside me with their hand on my stomach for about 10 minutes so that they could monitor the contractions themselves.

At 11:30pm I was given an epidural. Afterwards the midwife checked and found that I was 4cm dilated. I slept for a while until around 1:30am when I started feeling uncomfortable. I began to feel the contractions in my right side. The midwife called the anesthetist but while we were waiting for him the contractions suddenly became very severe. I was aware that my left side was still numb but the contractions were so strong that it didn’t feel like I was numb at all. The pain was excruciating. I was shaking from head to foot. I kept asking for the anesthetist to fix the epidural but the doctor checked and found that I was 10cm dilated. It was too late to worry about fixing the epidural but they did give me a stronger dosage for the side that was still numb. At this point I believe the syntocinon drip was turned down.

The Doctor said that we needed to get the baby out now. That was the first time I felt worried. While we were waiting for the next contraction the doctor was telling me how important it was that the baby come out in the first push. She said that the baby’s heart rate was dropping. I was feeling very sick and started to throw up. I can’t really remember how many times I pushed, maybe twice, but I remember the doctor saying how good I was and that the baby came out in the first push, at 2:37am.

As she came out I saw that the placenta had come out with her. She didn’t make any sounds or show any sign of life. The doctors immediately took her over to the other table and began pumping her chest and giving her oxygen. I was still throwing up and cried uncontrollably while we watched the doctors’ work on our baby. I can’t remember who told us or when but we were told that the placenta had ruptured and that the baby was born without a heart beat and not breathing. They said that they got oxygen into her as soon as they could. I can’t remember if her heart was beating before they took her out of the room. Neither Troy nor I got to touch or even really see her before they took her away.

Almost immediately after she left the room I was overcome with exhaustion. I could not keep my eyes open. I remember the doctors trying to talk to me and not being able to concentrate on anything they said. They let me sleep for about 20 minutes and Troy was allowed to go to the nursery to see the baby. While he was gone the doctor came and woke me up to give me stitches for the episiotomy that I didn’t even know I had had. The second she woke me up I began throwing up. I was having severe stomach pains but I was so exhausted that I slept through the whole thing. I remember the doctor trying to tell me that she needed to give me some medicine in my rectum. I don’t remember it being put in.

While in the middle of being extremely tired, I continued to complain of stomach pains. I was told that they could be afterbirth pains but I knew it felt different. One midwife guessed that I might have strained a muscle. The pains got worse and worse and eventually a few different doctors were called in to examine me. I was sent to have an x-ray and ultrasound at around 11am. Lying down on the bed to have the ultrasound was excruciating. Afterwards I was allowed to go to the nursery to see my baby for the first time. I was with her for about 10 minutes and then they took me back to the birthing suite.

A doctor came in not long after I got back and told me that they saw some blood in the ultrasound and that it could mean 3 different things but most likely it meant that there was a hole in my uterus. She said that I needed to go into surgery to fix the hole and that it would be a quick 40 minute procedure. She said that in the future I would need to have caesarean births. She made it very clear that the worst case scenario would be that the hole would be too big to repair and that they would have to remove it. I distinctly remember her reassuring me that that would not happen. I wasn’t very worried at all and certainly did not expect to have the outcome that we did.

I was taken into surgery at about 3pm. After surgery they woke me up and I was in the most pain I have ever experienced. I couldn’t believe how bad it was. A Doctor came and explained to me that the tear had gone straight through my uterus, cervix and down through the vaginal wall. He said that it was irreparable and had to be taken out completely, in order to save my life.

I was taken to ICU where I saw my mother and Troy. By this time I had been given enough drugs that I wasn’t in pain anymore. I slept there until 5am when they came in to move me because they needed the room. I was taken to a birthing suite where a midwife took care of me. I stayed in that room until Tuesday morning, when I was moved up to my room in the Ward.

As they were moving me, at around 11:30am, somehow one of the drains from my wound had been undone and there was blood all over the bed. I called for a midwife and she reattached them. The second she did this I felt a massive sharp pain and screamed. Another midwife, Jo, told me that they needed to let the air out of the tubes and they did this very slowly but it was extremely painful. After they were finished I continued to have sharp pains in my right side – about one every 30 to 60 seconds. Each one was painful enough to make me scream. Jo stayed with me the whole time, when she wasn’t trying to get attention from Doctors and pain relief people. I don’t know how long it took for everyone to get there, but it seemed like forever. Doctor Will came and said that they weren’t sure what was causing the pain and they didn’t want to take the drains out, just incase they would have to put them back in again. He said that we needed to get the pain under control before they made a decision about what to do. Somebody increased my morphine drip. It calmed me down and I was able to focus more, but the pain was still unbearable. It wasn’t until 6pm that the drain was finally taken out and immediately the pain was gone. I think of that time as being equally, if not more painful than the birth.

The next day Lilah was brought to my room and I was allowed to keep her with me for good!

Introducing...

...Lilah Macy Raine Hawthorne...

Born 6th September 2008

2:37am

6 pound 1 ounce

2773 grams

Lilah - Delicate

Macy - Gift from God

Raine - Queen (named after Troy's mum Loraine)

Birth story to come...when I can get the energy physically and emotionally...

Just waitin...

So my waters broke about half an hour ago while I was sitting on the couch watching Australian Idol. Don't worry, I got up before I got the couch wet! :P Anyways, so Troy has gone to football and I'm waiting for him to come home...:) See ya'll when I'm two people!

Scones with jam & cream anyone?

I had a craving for scones with strawberry jam and cream, so I made some! I've never made them before but they turned out alright.

A happy customer...

One week to go - and counting!!

River Fire 2008

Last night we met up with Troy's family at Bobbie Jean's house. We had dinner then walked up to the Kangaroo Point Cliffs to watch the Riverfire fireworks. It's like a tradition now. The first year Xander was just a newborn and he slept right through it. Last year he got scared and cried lots. But this year he loved to see the big noisy planes go overhead. We had a fun night. For those of you that don't know what Riverfire is about, check it out here -

http://www.riverfestival.com.au/riverfire/

A time and a season...and that season is OVER!

For the last 6 months Xander and I have spent our Saturdays watching this...

Troy's team didn't win a game at all this season, but they tried their best! Each season Troy manages to score one goal. He wasn't sure he'd do it this season, but during the last 10 minutes of their very last game Troy scored a goal that tied the game. We were all very impressed. I was relieved that soccer was over for about 5 minutes, until Troy reminded me that football season is upon us...yay.

Add it to the wish list...

I want one of these! They are called Baby Bumbo Seats. The trays usually come separately but they're real cool too. They retail for $80 but I've been watching on ebay to try and find a cheaper one. Not having much luck yet. If anyone loves me lots and LOTS and wants to get us a baby present, this is what we NEED! :)

37 weeks (+ 4 days)...

3 things...

Another cool thing I found...

3 THINGS...

3 Joys -

1. Being pregnant. The first 18 weeks were not much fun at all and I pretty much complained every day, but since then I've felt great! I haven't gained lots of weight, I'm still sleeping well at night, I've got lots of cute pregnant clothes...it's just been great! Plus I'm scared about the birth so I'm happy to stay pregnant forever! :P

2. My camera. I have never loved a material possession more than I love this camera. I don't think that I will ever get sick of taking photos, and if I do it will be a very VERY sad day! Studying has been hard and I've got a long long way to go, but there's just something so exciting about creating such a beautiful thing that everyone loves. I don't know anyone that doesn't appreciate a beautiful photo!

3. Being married. When we were first married I really struggled with seperating myself from the YSA scene. I missed my friends and all the fun stuff we used to do together. It's taken me a while but I'm finally over that and I LOVE being married. I would never EVER want to be single again. Marriage is safe and secure. I know that I'm always loved, no matter what. I know that I'm never alone and there will always be my Husband there to support me in whatever I do. I'm not a big 'alone time' person, so having someone with me all the time suits me perfectly! Marriage is the greatest :)

3 Fears

1. Losing a child. I don't think anyone could ever possibly understand what it feels like to be a mother unless they are one themselves. There's this instant change that comes over you, the second you hold your little baby. It's like all of a sudden you're the strongest woman in the world, and goodluck to the person that tries to hurt your baby cause they're a dead man! Sometimes I imagine to myself what I would do if someone tried to take Xander or hurt him, and I kinda scare myself because I realise that I really do think I could kill for him. I always tell Troy about the story of the woman that picks a car up to get her baby out. I totally believe that it happened. I could lift a car if Xander was trapped inside! Any day. BRING IT!

2. Being alone. I've never liked being alone. Maybe it comes from being a twin? I had Charles there with me through everything until we were 18. Then I got married and I had a Husband. I don't know what it is, but I love to always be surrounded by the people that I love. Even if we're just sitting around watching poxy T.V. I am positively terrified of something happening to Troy and being left alone. Let's just not think about it...

3. Heights. It's not super bad. Like if I was on "Who dares wins" and they were offering me lots of money, I'd prolly jump out of a plane. But I'd definitely be freaking out! Rollercoasters terrify me. I even get scared driving down the Toowoomba range!

3 Goals

1. Get this baby out safe and sound! I would love to do it drug free this time, but I'm not making any promises!

2. Get my Photography Diploma finished and find some awesome professional that I can work with to learn from. And learn how to use Photoshop!

3. Look like I did at my wedding. I think this one's a life-long goal, but I gotta put it out there! According to Oprah, it should work!

3 Obsessions

1. Food. Definitely food. I dunno about you, but I think about food every couple of hours! :P I know it might be an emotional problem, but food makes me feel better. If I'm having a crappy day, a sticky date pudding from Hungry Jacks can fix anything! And I love to find cool recipes and cook delicious things. I'm always on the look out for good recipes!

2. Photography. I'm pretty sure I don't know anyone that takes as many photos as me. We've had to buy more space for the computer cos my photos take up so much room!

3. T.V. It's terrible, I know! But there's just something so good about finding an awesome series and watching the whole season in a week. I love it! In a few years I'll be busy with kids and won't have the chance to sit around and watch T.V, so I'm enjoying it while I can! :P

Where were you then?

I was blog-searching and came across this. I thought it was a cool idea...

20 years ago - I was 2 years old. I don't think I have any memories from this age. I do know that we were living in Albany Creek, just houses away from my future eternal companion :)

10 years ago - I was 12 years old, grade seven and about to enter the teenage years. I had cut my own fringe, which turned out just GREAT! (see all photos from 1998 for proof) My best friends were Nikki and Stacey. We spent lots of time roaming the streets of Laidley, eating $2 worth of chips (which was a lot of chips back then!) and basically just being kids.

5 years ago - I was 17 and a senior in high school, my funnest school year by far. I was in the school musical "No Ill Feeling". We had such a blast practicing for it. My group of friends consisted of nearly all couples which was lots of fun. Everyone was starting to get their licences and buy cars. We had freedom! There was lots of ups and downs that year but drama is what makes things interesting :)

3 years ago - I was 19 and a newly wed. Troy and I were living in Strathpine in the house his Grandfather left the kids. Everything changed very quickly! Gill moved in with us after about 3 months, around about the time we found out I was pregnant. I had a great job working at Pinelands Learning & Development Centre where they paid for me to do my Certificate 3 in childcare. As soon as we found out I was pregnant we started saving my paycheck and by the time Xander was born we had enough money to buy a car and a bike for Troy. The first year of marriage was hard, especially because I got pregnant so quickly and all those crazy hormones were messing with my head. But we got through it!

1 year ago - I was 21 and busy with a gorgeous one year old. Everyone was having big 21st parties which was heaps of fun. Xander and I went on a holiday to Tasmania to see my beautiful sister Evelynne Mai and her family. We had lots of fun but I missed Troy terribly. It was the first time we'd been apart since we got married. Xander got really sick around this time too. We ended up in the hospital with him on oxygen for a few days. They still don't know what's wrong with him!

So far this year - Lots has been going on for me this year! I got pregnant at the end of last year so I've dealt with yucky morning sickness and had lots of hospital and doctors appointments. I've managed to only gain 4kg which is FABULOUS considering I gained 20kg with Xander! At the beginning of the year I decided what I want to be when I grow up (apart from a loving mother and wife :) and I started my Photography Diploma. That all kicked off a lot faster than I'd planned. So far I've already done engagement, wedding, couple and family shoots. I'm up to module 9 out of 12. I was hoping to have it done before the baby came but I can't see that happening. But it's been a productive year for me!

Yesterday - I'm 20 days away from having a brand new baby, so I'm getting all the rest I can (Doctors orders!). After a Doctor's appointment in the morning I watched lots of McLeod's Daughters and ate choc mint ice cream.

Today - I finished Season 6 of McLeod's Daughters and spent the morning playing with Xander. Stef is coming over later, after she's had her wisdom teeth taken out! Yowch...

Tomorrow - Xander and I are going to watch Troy play his last game of soccer for the season. They haven't won a game at all this season, so we're keeping our fingers crossed for them!

The rest of this year - First of all I just want to get this baby safely into the world! After that I expect lots of sleepless nights and stinky nappies. And Charles comes home in October which we are all SUPER excited about!

For old times sake!

So I've been looking for something to do and food was the answer - as always :) I LOVE Sandra Rea's fried bread and have always wanted to make it myself, and now I finally had the time! So I called Sandra, got the recipe and got cookin! I made roasted pumpkin soup to go with it...mmm....Thanks Sandra!

The recipe written down as Sandra was telling me over the phone...not real clear..sorry :P

The dough after I left it to rise for a few hours..

The roasted pumpkin...
The dough pre-frying...

The dough frying...

And again...

Ta da! The finished product....

What's a girl to do?

I'm bored bored BORED! Counting down the days until the baby is due...23 to be exact....and boredom is the exact opposite of what you need when you're on the count down! I'm too exhausted to actually do anything that requires effort. Xander and I have spent the whole day watching t.v.....BLAH.....

A new do? That is the question.

So I'm considering a new hairstyle. I'm sick of the long, straight boring hair and want something that's easy to chuck up quickly but still look cute. What do you think?...

A face only a mother could love...

Busted!

Today I had a man come to the door to sell me milk, bread, cheese, fruits & vegetables. It sounds like a good idea so I'm doin it. But that's not the point. While I was talking to the man at the door Xander got up from his nap and this is how I found him....